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Why I Am Not A ... Teacher
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre Subject: why i am not a science teacher: Date: Fri, 9 Apr 1999 09:09:06 +1000 year ten Lab, week one: inertial properties of bongwater revealed by slowly rotating bong with drops of food dye in the water. blue food dye, in order to make it look a little less gross when the water starts turning green after prolonged use, which is continued in weeks two, three, four, five, six, seven and we sort of lose count after that.
(cough) nikolai
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre Subject: why i am not a film studies teacher: Date: Fri, 9 Apr 1999 09:09:28 +1000 a good lesbian porn film is one in which you can't tell if the tape is being run backwards or forwards. and believe me, you have to watch a lot of them. which is what we'll be doing this year, with perhaps some trips to the year ten science lab for bong hits.
nikolai
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre Subject: why i am not a sociology teacher: Date: Fri, 9 Apr 1999 09:10:01 +1000 Midyear exam, section Four: causing dissent by ridiculing faith in the context of finding a relevant spirituality for the 21st century, contrast: (the sense of inner peace that a person gains from believing that God will protect him) with: (the sense of inner peace that a person gains from believing that no matter how badly humanity messes up, beneficient aliens might arrive and bail us out.) extra points for contrasting "angels" with "aliens", evaluating degrees of mythological subtlety, discussion of scientific evidence for either side, faith, evolution of modern consciousness, fuzzy borders between SF fandom and pentecostal faith cults, etc. points deducted for discussion of Elvis, the Cydonia Pyramids, Beavis and Butthead, the matilda virus and any of the four TV pilots for the situ-action comedy "Chevyn's Penys".
nikolai
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre Subject: why i am not a creative writing teacher: Date: Fri, 9 Apr 1999 09:10:28 +1000 (sound of whipcrack) (sound of iron implements being clanked) "tell us the Mason word." (crackling hiss of burning skin. scream) "we know it's got eight letters and a cabalistic value of seventy-two. tell us the word."
nikolai
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre Subject: why i am not a video production/screenwriting teacher: Date: Fri, 9 Apr 1999 09:12:17 +1000 or, more fun with your Playstation, your VCR and the game Blast Radius step one: plug one of the playstation's audio plugs (whichever one you like the most) into the left "audio in" channel on your vcr. step two: plug a microphone into the right one. step three: plug the playstation video plug into the vcr's "video in". step four: start the playstation up. step five: when Blast Radius goes into demo mode, you'll have lots of cool-looking ships flying around shooting at each other, with dramatic camera angles and a buzzy little industrial music sound-track. start taping. step six: make up a breathy, tired, Apocalypse-Now-style narrative to go with the fighting spaceships. something along the lines of "the war had been over for a hundred years but ships faithful to the insane warlord Mao IV still ravaged our borders. we decided to fight rather than let them blow us up like sitting ducks... er... sitting. you know." presently the demo will finish and you'll have about forty seconds to make up some more silly names and bitter, withdrawn and angry comments for the next demo. see if you can fill the entire tape! perhaps even in a Bobcat-Goldthwaite-kind of yelping rasp, "yeah...(sniff) Jilly was in our squadron... she was a reeeall X-industries type, she usedta wear that, you know, scarf in zero-g, the whole scarf thing... heh heh heh... dayum, she was a hoor... she was a, you know, hung around the officer's club makin' them damn coyote howls and rubbin' up against the door all the time... that's her ship there on the screen, the one that just blowed up. yeah, she was a real nice, i mean, we had talks. i had lots of very long and in-depth discussions with this girl and i'm not bein' metaphorical for sayin' i fucked her a lot. just hot-chocolate-at two-am talks. about how gettin' work at the dentist's always tastes like tinfoil and how parking meters can hear what you say about them and yeah i never i mean slept with her 'cause she was like a pilot and if they ever got pissed off at you they'd like fly overhead in their scorpions and their infidels and strafe your tent and like kill you so i told her i was an involuntary neuter through the action of a shrapnel wound received while serving onboard the Aguatunis- oh yeah you remember that supply sergeant? the one with the artificial head? he was the quartermaster on that ship and blah blah blah..." you could even do the alternating dramatic guy-says-something dramatic and woman-says-something-to-counter this and so forth. have them start making snide comments about who so-and-so is fucking over in admin and why their torpedoes can't hit anything moving faster than the side of a barn. more fun than a dead EH Holden, me,
nikolai
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