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Editorial
It was only March, but already God had designed for America five additional, different months, all of them named December. The more cynical supposed that this was to increase christmas revenues and allow the Pope more television time, but since the installation of PopeCam the old guy was more visible than he really wanted to be. Many were thankful that he had refused to go along with the internally mounted PopeCam, because it was generally agreed that people only wanted to see the insides of a Pope when terrorists managed to blow them open with explosives. The angels in God's publicity department had designed his five T-shirts he was to wear when he descended to America for that first December, but He held out little hope that anyone would understand the mystical significance of that number, despite the number of times He'd included it in nature. Perhaps, He mused, I should go back to using twenty-three. At least Wilson and Burroughs - and the guys from Depeche Mode, he recalled - had caught onto that one. The first December America Visitation of the five went just as God had designed. He appeared in the middle of the Mojave desert wearing the first T-shirt, which was blank. No-one was there to see except a lot of vultures and tarantulas. Just as He'd planned; He hadn't done this for a while and was concerned that He'd muck it up. He had, after all, an image to maintain. The second and third December America Visitations of the five, unfortunately, did not unfold exactly as God had designed. In the case of the second, he appeared in a New York cathedral on christmas day of the second New December, but no-one was there. He found later that they'd all been at home watching some television christmas special. He gritted his ineffable teeth and proceeded directly to the third Visitation, which was in a television studio. He'd planned on hijacking a news show and delivering His message to America, but was frustrated again when he found that everyone had suffered a sudden attack of the guilts and had run out to church instead. After these failures, He found that He just didn't have the heart to keep manifesting this way. Instead, he turned one of his ineffable spermatazoa into a pigeon and sent it off in search of a suitable virgin to impregnate. I gather it's still looking. |
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