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cash crops
What Do We Do With This? This Week's Cash Crop: String-Beans Scene: the warehouse, an artificially-lit city block lined with irrigation pipes and a two-metre-thick floor of soil. Every square meter of growing-space is occupied by string-beans. Harry (played by Billy Dee Williams) is sitting at a desk in the northern corner, faced with a small hill of paperwork. He is gnawing his knuckles. Alannah, played by Katie Sagal, wanders over holding a boot - the left-hand partner of a pair of Doc Martens - which momentarily distracts Harry. She reveals that she's bought a machine that can stamp Doc Martens out of squares of leather, and that she's added a few bits of her own to the design.
(subliminal: cover of a recent issue of Piercing Fans International Quarterly, featuring a couple in their mid-twenties, golden- haired, tanned, and with just about everything pierced with golden wires -noses, tongues, every free part of their ears, nipples, lips, genitalia) "Like one-inch-thick soles?' quips Harry, wearily. She grins and turns the boot over, proudly displaying two and one-half inches of boot which would just about bring Harlan (played by Danny DeVito) up to the level of her cleavage. Unfortunately, Harlan is busy shovelling dynamic lifter out of bags clearly labelled CHICKEN SHIT. Harry returns to his paperwork, about ready to throw the papers to the four winds, when Alannah casually mentions that she's sold all of the string-beans to a dog-food manufacturer in Hong Kong. Harry cheers, throws the papers in the air and they embrace amidst a snowstorm of accounts and receipts, while Harlan slowly sinks into the fertiliser. (thinks) We're going to have to pad this out, somehow. it isn't going to run for half an hour, otherwise. perhaps some more subliminals.
What Do We Do With This? This Week's Cash Crop: Mutant Corn Scene: The familiar old warehouse. The artificial lights have been removed, along with the ceiling and roof, exposing the irrigation pipes and soil to the slightly overcast sky. Every square foot of the thick black soil is host to huge corn plants. The stems are an unlikely shade of aquamarine, as thick as Freddy Blassy's neck; the cobs of corn that dangle from the ends are as long as baseball bats, as thick as pumpkins. Their weight bends the stalks over; they rest on the ground, the irregularly ping-pong-sized kernels bright orange and as unappetising as McDonald's processed cheese. Harry, Alannah and Harlan seem to have acquired another financial loss. Harry (played by Billy Dee Williams) has given up on the paperwork. On one side of the desk sit some abortive attempts at origami made of bills; the rest of the paperwork is being slowly fed into a mulching machine along with tabasco sauce and handfuls of Dynamic Lifter by Harlan (played by Danny DeVito. He's standing on a chair).
(ObSubliminal: a screaming female face from one of the less reputable Anime, all flying dark hair, large eyes and just a hint of vampire or canine fangs) Harry is desperately casting about for some way of getting rid of the corn in a way that will at least recoup their costs. He's smothering a prime example of a mutant corn cob - held in radiation worker's armoured glove - with butter, while trying not to touch it. He puts it in the microwave, which is propped up on the office kitchen desk, sprays of instant coffee and sugar, the grains somehow aligning themselves in moire patterns. Harry thinks that this was something to do with that sonic weapon that Alannah was working on for the Department of Defence. A lot of strange things around here could be explained on that, the missing roof just one of them.
(ObSubliminal: a horribly deformed Barbie doll, or possibly two Barbie dolls attached hip-to-hip, like Siamese twins. their hair has been unevenly coloured in black with a whiteboard marker, leaving streaks of yellow) Harry leaves the corn cooking in the microwave and, passing Harlan on the way - warning him not to put dead chickens to the mulching machine because they'll get mail from the viewers - goes over to Alannah's cubicle. Arc-welding flare light washes under the door for a moment. Harry knocks; there is a sound of metal tools being rearranged, and Alannah (played by Katie Sagal) opens the door a crack. Harry can't help noticing that she's naked. "Problem solved, Harry. Watch this." She retreats into the room and Harry backs off as the business end of her sonic weapon - something like a giant tuning fork - emerges. It slowly swivels around to point at the nearest ear of mutant corn. A tooth-aching sound grows to a painful volume, the corn vibrates into an unpleasant orange-green blur and then explodes in a yellow-white fluffy cloud. "Popcorn!" exclaims Harry. The three dance in a circle, holding hands. Alannah's naked body is somehow obscured by Harry or Harlan, so that no possibly rude bits are seen, unfortunately. Roll credits. |
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