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Anusol Wipes: Rejected Advertisements
Fade up to blank blue background. A hugely muscled forearm wearing a rusted metal gauntlet, with nasty spikes protruding in all directions, moves up from below in a salute, fingers clenched in a fist. Voiceover: Haemorrhoids? The fist moves to a horizontal attitude and then thrusts forward, out of camera shot. there is a horrified scream. Voiceover: Not any more.
Kookai: Rejected Advertisements FX: something soft and trilling by the Cocteau Twins. Scene: standard blank background, pale blue. A young female hand enters the view from the right, does a few game-show prize model twisty gestures, then the other hand joins it, holding a bottle filled with some kind of scented oil, which is poured over the first hand. The bottle is dropped out of view of the camera, and the second hand rubs the oil into the first, then moves out of camera view. The first hand makes a fist and moves left, out of view. The girl comes into view, with a suitably strange hairstyle, looking to the left and grimacing slightly. She starts punching her arm in an in-out motion. FX: horribly wet sucking noises, as of someone sticking their foot into a bucket of jelly. Pre-orgasmic moans from off to the left. Scene: the girl draws her hand back, traces of lime jelly dripping off. FX: a long, sensual drawn-out sigh of relief. FX: We know about Kookai ... the very (**) essence of a young woman. at this point (**), insert a low-voiced, knowing semi-laugh.
Note: This is a variation on the television commercials for Telecom MobileNet commercials being shown in Australia. The basic premise of these ads is that there's an executive who's gone missing, and he keeps doing his work by his mobile phone but they can't find him because he gets around so much. I found these ads particularly tedious - who gives a shit where this guy is? If they really wanted to find him, all they had to do was cut his mobile phone off. Anyway. Scene: a busy London street. our friendly presenter-lady is standing on this side of the road. on the other side, we see a traditional British pub. Lady: Our search for the elusive executive, Russell Arden, ends today! Telecom MobileNet were unable to find him ... (behind her, three burly looking men wearing camo jackets hastily exit the pub) Lady: but we had a report that he was in this London pub, so for missing executive Russell Arden ... (the pub explodes, blowing splinters of glass in all directions. the sounds of moaning wounded carry over the wail of approaching sirens) Lady: ... I guess the search is over. Janine Sillybint, reporting for Telecom MobileNet.
PERT Shampoo: Rejected Advertisements Scene: the shower room of a gymnasium. A young woman with short blonde hair, wearing a leotard and with a towel draped over her shoulders is opening a locker. Voiceover: Have you tried new PERT shampoo? Woman: (looks up in surprise) What the hell was that? Voiceover: I said, `Have you tried new PERT shampoo?' Woman: Oh - this is an advertisement. No, I'm happy with the shampoo I'm using at the moment. Voiceover: But new PERT has - Woman: I said I was happy with my shampoo. Voiceover: Have you even tried PERT before? Woman: Yes, I have. It made my scalp itch for a fortnight. Voiceover: But new PERT has an improved formula with - Woman: Look, I'm not interested. Why don't you just fuck off? Voiceover: All I'm saying is that with PERT's new - Woman: (slams locker door shut) You know, this consitutes harassment? Voiceover: I'm just doing my job, you know! Woman: Since when do they pay you to annoy people? I said I wasn't interested. You should take the hint and go bother someone else. Voiceover: Oh, all right. (FX: A blinding beam of white light streams down from above, with a Star Trek Phaser sound, evaporating the woman with a cut-off scream. A wisp of vapour twists through the air. After a few seconds, another young woman in a leotard, with long brown hair, approaches the locker.) Voiceover: Have you tried new PERT shampoo?
TDK: Rejected Advertisements Scene: the laundry/toilet. An ironing board has been set up in front of the toilet bowl, and a large meat-grinder sits on it. A hand emerges from out of camera view and cranks the handle; another hand feeds TDK audio cassettes into the feeder of the grinder. Tiny pieces of plastic and shreds of tape emerge and fall into the toilet. Music: TDK does annoying things to my cistern. or: Scene: some sort of VR computer-graphic thingy. A large, swollen lumpy-headed thing floats to the foreground. Subtitle: SYSTEM CRASH Voice-over (on helium): The best way to get a SYSTEM CRASH with the Amazing one is... Scene: a crowbar smashes the lumpy head and cracks it like a rotten egg. |
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All work on this site is © Nikolai Kingsley unless otherwise stated. |